Hi, I’m nuts.

I’ve been sort of a crazy person lately. I’ve been having panic attacks over stupid work related stuff. I’m having problems with my lady parts (TMI, I know) and that’s stressing me out because I don’t feel any better and I’m on day 5 of antibiotics. Plus the antibiotics make me feel super shitty and nauseous unless I eat yogurt before taking them. And it took me 4 days to figure that out, including one day of calling in sick at work because I felt so crappy. I was applying mascara and all of a sudden I felt super nauseous and shaky and sweaty but cold and I had to go dry heave over the toilet a few times. I went right back to bed and called in. Super weird and kind of scary.

The nausea from the antibiotics allowed me to lose like 2.5 pounds in a week, so that’s good, I guess. I can see my collarbones now. You have to realllly look for them to be able to see, but they’re there. I’m pretty excited about it.

I’m tired. My weekend is almost over and I am not looking forward to going back to work. I’ve been applying for other jobs because I decided I need to stop letting anxiety run my life. Did that make sense? Probably not. I’m trying to take little steps out of my comfort zone even if applying for other jobs is it. Something like that is probably not a big deal to most people but hi, I am crazy and everything scares me. I don’t drive because it scares me. I live at home because what if I move out and someone breaks in and the cats get out? Or they hurt the cats? Or I’m kidnapped and tortured and murdered by a serial killer? Or someone in the next apartment sets their stove on fire and then my cats die in a fiery blaze? I don’t usually look for other jobs because what if I apply for one and they call me for an interview and I have to work that day, then I have to figure out if I can go to work late or if I should just wait until my next day off. Then what if I get a new job and it sucks and I have panic attacks? I basically live my whole life avoiding panic attacks.

Other things I’ve been trying to do to get out of my comfort zone include 1) cutting my hair and 2) buying clothes that I am generally not used to wearing. I decided I needed something new and cutting my hair is the easiest way to achieve that. I showed the lady a picture of Natalie Portman with cute layered hair and I guess that’s sort of what I got. I definitely got a whole lot of length cut off. It’s too short to put in a bun now which is weird to me because I love buns. Oh well. It’s just hair, it grows back, right? I don’t hate it, anyway. I also bought a maxi skirt and some infinity scarves. Yes, I know, girls wear those things every day but me? I am a jeans and v-neck t-shirt kind of girl. I am so not a maxi skirt, infinity scarf wearing sort of girl. But I am trying to be, I guess?

SIGH. BIG OLD SIGH.

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