I have too many cats.

I have too many cats and they’re a bunch of little turds that have cost me over $500 in vet bills in the past few weeks. Plus I bought new litter boxes so that was another $35. I got the kind with a rim on the top because I’m hoping that it helps the litter box liners stay in place better. I’m a little sad the cashier didn’t ask how many cats I had because I would have said “just one but he poops a lot”. Things like that are hilarious to me. My sister said I should have said they were for me because the plumbing in my house was broken. And then there’s the $280 food bill because Petco had it on sale so I bought eight bags and had it shipped to my house because I love seeing what kinds of ridiculous things I can have shipped to my house for free. 120 pounds of cat food is probably the best.

First Maizie was peeing outside the litter box and my mom claims she saw her straining while she was peeing. I’m pretty sure my mom is full of crap and Maizie was just being a brat, because after a $120 vet bill (which would have been more if it wasn’t for the $40 credit my parents had on their account) later she’s fine. I was worried she had a UTI or a blockage in her bladder or something, but no, she was just being a butthead.

Then Five and Lexi got in a fight. Lexi has always been a bully but she’s never gotten in a claws out, growling, hissing fight before. She attacked Five and tore her nail pretty bad. She was bleeding all over and of course I was freaking out until I realized she just cracked her nail in two. So I just got back from taking her to the vet. They pulled the nail and bandaged it and now she’s walking around like she has a peg leg. I also took Five because he’s been more sneezy than usual, and also wheezing/coughing a bit. The vet thinks he has an upper respiratory infection and they both got antibiotics.

And I paid for Ginny Lou’s vet bill. She’s the cat I gave to my sister after Lexi was bullying her too much. She has an eye infection because apparently she has herpes? This is a thing cats get? I don’t know? I told my sister I would pay her vet bills since she was doing me a favour by taking her even though she already had two cats.

SO. JUST TAKE ALL MY MONEY, CUTE BEARDED VET THAT I SAW TODAY AND WOULD LIKE TO MARRY.

Here is a picture of my sad peg leg Lex:

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Not gonna lie, I laughed really hard at her when they brought her back in the exam room. I told her that was her punishment for being a bad girl. She started a fight and now she has to walk around looking like a dumbass and she kind of deserves it. Neither of them seem too traumatized by the vet visit because they both started eating right away as soon as they got upstairs. Fat cats.

Anyway, I have a new friend. His name is Will and we saw a basketball game together last night. My nemesis (apparently he’s my nemesis but I’m not his? Is that possible?) gave me tickets to see a UNLV basketball game and it was pretty fun. I admit that seeing games is much more fun now that I know how the game is played, thanks to The Smart Girl’s Guide to Sports which I will recommend to anyone who will listen. My favourite part of the game was when Will forgot Katin Reinhardt’s name and called him Kringle Vanderboot. Best. Name. Ever. I was thinking about it before I went to bed last night and I just laughed and laughed. I also may have gotten minor drunk before the game because it was happy hour and I never drink so my tolerance is very low. I like Will because he’s 1) very funny, 2) brings me cupcakes at work, and 3) isn’t judgemental when I eat ALL TEH THINGS. The last part will come in handy next week when we have plans to go downtown where there’s a cupcake bakery and I eat like a dozen cupcakes and there’s frosting in my hair and down my shirt.

OH! I was so distracted by the amount of money I’ve spent on the cats that I forgot the best part of the week: MY SISTER GOT MARRIED!

She eloped on Saturday! They came over for dinner the day after and told my parents. I knew already because I know everything. I may or may not have exploded at the table when my mom asked my dad if he was sad he didn’t get to walk my sister down the aisle. “HELLO?! I’M RIGHT HERE! IT’S NOT LIKE YOU ONLY HAVE ONE SHOT AT IT!” was my response. I mean, chances are I’m not going to get married (for many reasons, but mostly because I’m fat, crazy, and have too many cats. And also I’m not even sure I want to get married) but still, it’s not like it’s absolutely NOT going to. But whatever. WWHATEVER. Now I need to remember to call her husband my brother-in-law, which is a little weird to me still.

The amount of laundry piling up on my desk chair is starting to alarm me, so I’ll just stop right here and go put it away. Or lay on the bed in a pile of clean clothes for 20 minutes playing Candy Crush on my iPhone, THEN put it away. But whatever, same thing.